DTRM Blog: 2010

Rap has been in the news lately, and by lately I mean the last twenty-four years. Just like any facet of popular music, rap started out as a legitimate expression of self, became a thriving, artistic underground scene, was discovered by corporate interests and now look at what we have: 50 Cent, Kanye West and Lil' Wayne. Rap is dead. It has been dead, and it will remain dead until it is unpopular again.
That's how art works; it's all good until money gets involved, and then it sucks until you can't make a dime on it anymore. There is one thing that is certain about rap, however: it makes money. Lots of money. Of the ten top-earning African-American entertainers, four have released hip-hop or rap albums (five if you count Beyonce--I don't), the same amount that are basketball players, and twice the amount that have been involved in sex scandals. This isn't to say people of other origins don't make money off of rap, but they don't make as much (with exceptions to The Beastie Boys circa '80 and '90s and Eminem circa '00s). Because it makes so much money, anybody who has a recognizable name (read: actors, basketball players, the occasional Chicago Bears) and wants to make more money off of it simply has to release a rap single or album to increase both their income and their fame. This is a list of all the times this logic has gone awry.

#10 - John Cena

First off, yes, wrestlers are more actors than they are athletes. The fact that they do steroids is incidental; it doesn't make Mikey Rourke any less of an actor or Carrot Top any less of a miserable excuse for a comedian. Now I'll be honest with you; I don't think John Cena is a terrible rapper. He's bad, yes, but he's not terrible. I'd say he's more homoerotic and stupid than terrible. If you watch the video, you'll notice that John Cena's life (when he's not involved in travesties like The Marine) consists primarily of shirtless wrestling on the lawn, loitering near expensive vehicles and barbecues. Is it any surprise that he lives in Florida? No. It is not. Even though he's not the worst of the wrestler-rappers, he's bad.

#9 - Ron Jeremy

Yes, he's a porn actor. I contend, however, that he acts just as much with his dick as Megan Fox does with her tits, and neither that spectacular of an actor. This song is proof positive that having a 9 3/4 inch penis doesn't endow you with the ability to bust rhymes. You'd have even figured that, having been in the business of objectifying women for about 20 years when this video was made in '96, Mr. Jeremy might at least have thought up a few clever things to say about what he likes to do to women, and there might have been some logical rhymes to follow. Think again. The worst part about this video isn't the terrible rhymes, the consistently annoying beat, or Grandpa Munster and Corey Feldman dancing, it's the fact that it was on the Billboard charts for 27 weeks. 27 weeks! That's half a year! Does anybody else not get this? I don't like to even hear the guy's voice in his sex videos, and now I have to watch him without tight butts and nasty sluts? You needn't have bothered, human dildo, you needn't have bothered.

#8 - Rodney Dangerfield

Let me preface this by saying the following: I love Rodney Dangerfield. During his life he was witty, likable and totally hilarious. His specific brand of self-depreciating humor made me see that it was okay to be pathetic, and made my life as a fat teenager just a fraction more tolerable. That being said, Rodney is a fucking terrible rapper. I don't think he's even technically rapping here; he's pretty much making his jokes rhyme behind a shitty beat. To compare such an abortion to rap would be to compare what Dane Cook does to stand-up comedy. In fact, I'd say this song is the musical equivalent to the travesty entitled My Five Wives. The only reason I have to celebrate Mr. Dangerfield's death is the fact that he cannot make a "Rappin' Rodney 2".

#7 - Hulk Hogan

Anybody remember Hulkmania? Did you know it's still going on? If you didn't, here's the rundown: Hulk Hogan is not only physically enormous (Hence the moniker "Hulk"), but he's also the USA's figurehead (hence another nickname of his, "Mr. America"), a bona fide movie star ("Hollywood Hogan"), and on top of all that, he's pretty much a human fucking wrecking ball of a one-man destruction machine, like a terminator; ergo, my favorite title of his: The Super Destroyer. Hogan, much like Arnold, who was a terminator, got caught up in the early 90's wave of action stars being in shitty family films. I thought these were the greatest of his atrocities until I unearthed this turd; I retract my prior assumptions of the man. Not only is he a miserable actor, he is an even worse rapper. It doesn't end there, though; this wasn't some marketing single Hogan attempted, this was part of an entire album. An album on which he, much to my despair, sings. Surely, this man must be stopped. If only he weren't such a Super Destroyer, I myself might brave the attempt to intervene.

#6 - Joaquin Phoenix

I think that this one has pretty much been talked out already, and in fear of just running the platitudes I'm going to refrain from going too in-depth with this one. Mr. Phoenix is obviously a mess, and part of everybody wonders if he's serious or not. I, for one, hope he is serious, as I'm sure a full-length of his will necessitate an entire blog dedicated to ridicule. Until then, all we have to work off of is some poorly shot video footage that sounds not unlike a werewolf trying to rhyme his way through some pretty vicious constipation.

#5 - "Macho Man" Randy Savage

I know, you're tired of hearing about wrestlers that aren't good rappers. Well, I promise you that this is the last one. This is also, incidentally, the worst one. Macho Man doesn't just make bad music like The Hulkster and Cena, but transcends into the realm of using rap as a tool to create feuds. I, for one, am surprised nobody thought of this before. In mainstream rap the artists use songs to create "beef", and in wrestling they create arbitrary "beef" for profits. Put the two together and what do you have? A sad old man who takes steroids and dyes his beard making fun of a sad old man who takes steroids and wears a wig. That's not the end of the story, though; Mr. Savage, at about the 1:10 mark, Mr. Savage repeats the following, "They call you "Hollywood"?/Don't make me laugh,/'cause your movies and your acting skills are both crap!" Randy then goes on to mention that Hogan's Box Office sales are poor, while he got "[him]self a feature role in Spider-Man!"
Do you remember Randy Savage in Spider-Man? Neither did I. You can watch it here. He has--and I counted twice--three lines. All of which he does as a professional wrestler. He's been acting as a wrestler for 28 years at the point of this movie was made, and he's able to deliver three lines like a professional wrestler. Is that impressive? That's like Rip Torn being cast for pulling off a bit part as a wine-o.
Macho Man is the lowest on the wrestling-to-rapping totem pole for not only being bad at it, but for committing the feux pas of being the pot to accuse the kettle of blackness.

#4 - Eddie Murphy

Up until this point, you might have noticed that our list has been exclusive to white guys. "Surely," you must be thinking, "black people created and pioneered rap and hip-hop. There must be at least one black actor out there that's embarrassed himself by trying to cross over into the territory." Good news--I give you Eddie Murphy's "Boogie in your Butt". Although Murphy's musical legacy will probably be better remembered for the '89 Rick James-collaborative synth-funk and R&B rape with the record "Party All the Time", Murphy had already been molesting audio since the early '80s. I was about to give it to the man for producing hip-hop so early in the game, but, after listening to the song three times, I've decided that I won't give credit, because credit isn't due. Not only does the song fail as music, it fails as comedy. Let this be a lesson: this is what happens when you get cocaine stuck in your mustache. If you're going to do cocaine, don't have a mustache.

#3 - Joe Pesci

I know what you're thinking: "Really?" Reluctantly, my answer is this: Yes, really. From the first frames where Pesci pulls up and starts handing kids money because they "when to school this week," to the facepalm-worthy chorus, "Lovely day in the neighborhood/lovely dad in the neighborhood/for a drive-by/for a drive-by," this song is the reason that things like this don't usually happen. Once again, this monstrosity was merely only a fraction of an unfortunate magnum excretus. It gets worse, though; Pesci quit acting for this bullshit. That's right, he quit acting to "pursue a musical career." This infuriated me until I remembered Gone Fishin', which made me think that maybe a shift to music might have not been the worst decision of Pesci's career.

#2 - Rick Moranis

You know what I thought the world needed more of? Canadian comedians converting elevator music clichés into rap songs. Once again, I was wrong; one is more than enough. I don't know what Moranis thought he might be achieving when he made this song, but whatever it is--short of trying to make a grating piece of shit--he failed at it. I'd say he should stick to acting, but that might give us another "Honey I Shrunk-" film, and I'm not about to take that risk.

#1 - (tie) Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd

I find myself at a loss for words. I always try to convince myself that both of these illustrious actors had some kind of standards, but--much like cesspool technician--they just keep pumping out shit like it's their job. What's even worse is that this song wasn't even some stupid part in the film; it was part of the promotion for the film. Can you imagine the conscience of the recording engineer that had to record this? I bet he's still haunted by the fact that he didn't burn the masters before this made it anywhere. This video is endowed with one redeeming quality, however; it pretty much sums up Dragnet, so you don't have to waste your time watching that piece of shit.